Blaming Your Partner
All blame of anyone is based on some fear about yourself that you’re hiding from yourself and projecting out onto other people in an attempt to get rid of it. You don’t do that? Well, it’s unconscious, well-hidden by yourself, way too scary to take a look at.
No one stimulates our hidden fears like our partner, lover, mate because we are with them in the first place because it feels like they complete us, that they have something we don’t. And when we get comfortable enough with our partner and start being our self more and more we will inevitably say or do, or not say or do, something that stimulates the hidden fear within our partner and vice versa. It feels like an aversion to our partner. It feels like an attack from our partner. But we are the ones that have secretly attacked our partner by the unconscious projection of our unwanted self onto our partner.
They then act that out in our relationship in just the right way to drive us crazy. The acting out is unconscious, just like our projection, but the comfortableness of the relationship allows our partner to express more and more of her/himself and in that way just what you never dreamed your partner was is being lived out in your relationship. And it’s the very thing that you despise about yourself.
For example, there was a time in my life when I went from feeling on top of the world, mentor to everyone in my life; I could do no wrong. That all fell apart and I then believed I could do nothing right. I felt worthless and terrified of life. I was so sensitive during that period that if my wife said anything about anything I did or didn’t do, I immediately felt engulfed in shame, that I was wrong and/or bad about what I did or didn’t do. And all of that shame was the emotion of believing I was worthless and I judged myself as being bad and wrong about everything. And because I couldn’t face the shame and blame, I unconsciously projected the blame onto my [now deceased] wife so all I heard if she said, “Did you fix the X today?” was blame coming from her that either I didn’t fix it or did it wrong.
No matter what it was, there was always my blame underlying it that I projected out onto my wife and got it right back at me anytime she talked about me in any way about anything that I was sensitive to, which was basically everything. And I felt an aversion to her and tremendous psychological and emotional pain in those moments.
Nobody likes to hear what I’ve just written, because nobody wants to look at their own fear. Paradoxically, that resistance keeps the fear locked inside of our mind hidden from our self and makes the fear stronger and stronger over time. Double-paradoxically, when we are wise and brave enough to look at what we are afraid of, we always find that it is something about our self that is not really true. Like there really was nothing wrong or bad with me. It was all my own judgment of myself based upon a business failure that I registered in my mind as being a failure instead of just a learning experience as all of life is.
What to plumb the depths of this? Send me an email (email@example.com) about your own version of the pain and blame that you feel and ask whatever question you feel moved to ask. I’ll give you my best insight and we’ll go from there.